A Sobering Letter to the Wife With the Filthy House

“Is a filthy house grounds for divorce?”  

Someone's husband found one of my blog posts by googling that phrase.  Isn't that sad?

He ended up leaving a comment and further expressing his frustrations. He noted that normally you think of the wife as the one who is always cleaning up behind her family, but in his case he was always cleaning up behind his wife.

He hated the fact that he had even done such a search, but he was just beyond frustrated with the horribly messy home he had to come home to every day.

He said his wife would move heaven and earth to get the house clean before guests showed up, but every other day it was a pig sty.  He also made sure to note that he does a lot of cleaning around the house to help her, but she never seemed to do her part to keep it that way.  She was embarrassed if someone else saw her house all dirty, but she didn't care if her husband saw it that way.  He admitted that perhaps a messy house bothered him too much – that maybe he was being a little OCD, but he really was just wishing that his wife would put a little more effort into keeping things clean and tidy.

Now, I have no idea who this man is or what their marriage is like.  I don't know how good of a job he is doing at communicating his needs to his wife.  He does have a responsibility to be honest with her and tell her in a kind and gentle way how much the state of the house bothers him and affects his mood when he comes home after a long day at work.  I'm not negating that he has a responsibility to help resolve the conflict.

(And if you're Mr. Clean married to Mrs. Messy, stay tuned because my husband and I are working together to share some ideas for your situation.  Perhaps she's trying harder than you realize or she may even be suffering from depression and not even know it – depression sometimes shows up as apathy. Whatever the case, we are working on resources to help you work through this together.)

But this particular article isn't for the husbands; it's for the wives.

So if you are that wife whose husband might feel so depressed inside your messy home that he is googling about whether to divorce you over it, it's time to wake up.

It's time to pull yourself out of your funk and do something about this problem.

I know some of the things you are thinking right now.  I know because I am a wife who really struggles with keeping the house clean.  Here are some of the things that are going through your head, and I will acknowledge that some of them may be perfectly legitimate.

“I have a chronic illness which makes it hard to do any physical work.”

“The kids don't help me at all.  They make messes faster than I can clean them up.”

“I never learned how to keep a house clean.”

“He only thinks I don't do any work.  I work hard all day, but at the end of the day it looks like I haven't done a thing.”

As I said before, I completely believe you that some of these statements are true.  But I also know that sometimes laziness is very sneaky.  Can't is a very relative word, and sometimes when you determine in your heart that you can, you will make a way. (Remember the guests?  You can make a way on the non-guest days too.)

If your heart almost stopped when you read that there is a husband out there somewhere who just wants OUT of the mess, and you know it could easily be your husband, read on.

I want to help.

Let's address some of the reasons/excuses for a messy house one by one:

“I have a chronic illness which makes it hard to do any physical work.”
I get it.  I live with this every day of my life.  I've had to learn that when I'm having a good day, I MUST use my time wisely.  If I procrastinate on a job that needs to be done, there is no guarantee I will be able to do it later.  It is also important that you communicate clearly and openly to your husband about your needs.

My husband has asked me to please let him know when I'm having a hard day so that he can at least mentally prepare himself before he comes home.  It is absolutely deflating to him to be all geared up to do something he needs to get done that evening and walk in the door to find out that he has to fold piles of laundry, wash dishes, and help the children clean up whatever messes they made because I am unable to do it.

Also, if you need to accept outside help (volunteered or hired out), don't be too prideful to accept it.  I've had to do this, and I cried (and cried and cried and cried) when the decision was made to get some help.  I felt like such a failure.  But I knew that ultimately for the sanity of my family, I needed help.

“The kids don't help me at all.  They make messes faster than I can clean them up.”
I understand this one too.  Young children don't automatically know how to pick up after themselves.  They have to be taught.  You can't just say “Go clean your room.”  You have to say “Pick up all the dirty clothes.”  “Now put all the race cars in the container.”  And if you don't stay on top of it, things will be a mess all the time.

They need constant supervision.  I try to keep everyone in the same room at all times whenever possible.  It doesn't mean things go perfectly, but I can at least catch my toddler when she's only dumped out half the bag of potato chips instead of the whole thing.  And I can get them swept up before anyone walks all over them and tracks the crumbs throughout the entire house.
Read this article for more help on avoiding children's disasters.

“I never learned how to keep a house clean.”
Then, honey, it's time to learn!  The health of your marriage and the happiness of your family is on the line!  There are multitudes of sites online that will teach you housekeeping basics.  If you don't know where to start, I recommend starting with Flylady's Sink Reflections book.  She has a website too, but it can get very overwhelming very quickly.  If you need something more step-by-step, the book will be a game changer for you.

“He only thinks I don't do any work.  I work hard all day, but at the end of the day it looks like I haven't done a thing.”
Once again, I am going to strongly recommend that you get the Sink Reflections book.

If you want to learn how to work effectively and get things done, it will really help you!

The book is based on a baby-steps philosophy, and I am constantly reminding myself of that when I get discouraged about my progress (or lack thereof.)

I may not have the entire house sparkling, but I can have the one area that I have chosen to focus on done.  And when I look at that area I can see that “I did it!” and it only encourages me to get up and keep trying.

This is also another area where communication with your husband is super important.  He needs to know that though you may not be perfect, you are at least trying.  If he feels that you are not even trying, he is going to feel very unloved.  But when he knows that you are working to learn how to be a better housekeeper and to overcome bad habits, he will be encouraged.

Ask him which area he would most like you to focus on.  Does he like a clean bedroom to relax in at night?  Make your main priority every day to keep it tidied up no matter what.  Do crunchy, crumb-infested floors make him cringe and want to scream?  Make it a habit to sweep the floors every day before he comes home.  The rest of the house may still need some help, but he will notice that the areas which bother him the most are clean.  (Which will encourage you too when you feel like you've been working hard but that all he notices is what you didn't do.)

Finally, be honest with yourself.
The things listed above are all circumstantial and don't have much to do with your character.  But you also need to be willing to admit it when your problem is that you are lazy and undisciplined.  It's very possible that you are dealing with a combination of legitimate obstacles and laziness.

Ask God to show you where you are being lazy and don't realize it.

Are you:

• Browsing Facebook and Pinterest
• Watching TV
• Reading a Book
• Crafting
• Etc.

all while dirty dishes sit piled in the sink?

I'm not saying you should never take time out of your day to rest.  And the work will honestly never be done.

But deep down inside, you know whether what you're doing at the moment is what you ought to be doing.

Make a list of the absolute must-do priorities that you will promise you'll get done before you sit down to relax.  Here are some of the biggest things that make a house look filthy if they're not done and can create great improvement when you do keep them done:

• Dishes washed and kitchen tidied (my personal problem area!)
• Floors swept
• Laundry going
• Beds made
• Clutter put away
• Focus area cleaned (the one that bothers your husband the most)

In conclusion, let me balance all this out by saying that this post isn't meant to browbeat you and make you sink into despair about your failures.

It's not about perfection.

(If it were, I would still be in big trouble!  I'm very much a work in progress!)

No, it's not about perfection; it's about providing hope for your family.  It's about eliminating the stress and strain between husband and wife and helping you create a game plan for being the good homemaker that
you're wanting to be.

That may mean admitting some hard things and making some difficult changes.

But the end result of bringing peace to your home will be worth it!

Need some more help managing your time and getting more done?  Sign up for the free 5 day time management ecourse!

5 Steps to Stress Free Potty Training

When I was potty training my first child, it was one of the hardest, most stressful things I ever did.  (A lot of things were that way with my first!  I had so much to figure out – poor little guy had a mom who had no clue what she was doing!)

I learned a lot of things that first time around that have made potty training all the others a MUCH less stressful experience!  When I was contacted about writing a sponsored post for CVS Training Pants I knew it would be a great time to share some of the things I have learned over the course of potty training 4 children!

Here are some of my best tips for a stress-free potty training experience:

1. Relax!  Your child will be potty trained before they graduate from high school 🙂  If you are uptight, your child will sense that, and it will only make it stressful for them too!

2. Let your child lead.  Watch for them to be interested in sitting on the potty.  If they buck at the idea, back off and try again at another time.  Trying to force it will not work! It's fine to try to get your child excited – say things like ” Do you want to go on the potty like a big girl/boy?” but don't make them if they don't want to.  They will want to sooner or later.

3. Make it easy to go potty.  You can either have a separate potty seat for them, or use a toilet seat that has a toddler seat attached to it.  (This is what we use, along with a stool in the bathroom where they can easily climb onto the toilet – it eliminates messy potty seat cleanup which equals less stress for mom!)

  Our toddler potty seat – the adult seat is underneath

Also, be sure to have loose fitting clothing for your child so they can get their pants down easily.  I often find that if I am laid back about potty training rather than trying to force my time table onto them, I will find my child in the bathroom going potty on their own!  This can't happen, though, if they can't get their pants down by themselves.

4. Choose the method that works for you.  You'll find lots of different potty training methods and ideas, and all of them will claim that this is the way to do it! But don't force yourself into a certain method just because you feel that's the way you're supposed to do it.  For instance, I use the “underwear method” where I just let my kids go straight from diapers to underwear.  I feel like it helps them get the hang of how it feels to go to the bathroom a lot quicker.  But some parents might actually find cleaning up messes stressful.  In that case, try a different method that fits your personality better.  For example, you could try putting training pants on to control the mess, but set timers for every half hour to take your child potty.  (I would suggest making sure that if they go in their training pants, that you get it changed right away.  You don't want to let them get comfortable with wet pants or they won't have any reason to go on the potty.  CVS Training Pants have a wetness indicator that will help you visibly see from the outside whether they have wet their pants or not.)

5. Have a plan for leaving home.  As I mentioned earlier, our family usually puts our children straight from diapers into underwear.  But nothing says stress to me like trying to find a bathroom RIGHT NOW when your toddler has to go potty or cleaning up soiled pants when you're out and about!  I make sure that if we're going anywhere I have a pair of training pants on my child.  I still try to take them potty with the goal of their staying dry, but I have the peace of mind of knowing that we've got protection should we not get to the potty in time.

We were sent a package of CVS Training Pants, and it came at the perfect time!  This little girl is SO interested in potty training that she cries if the church nursery workers take other kids out to go potty and they don't take her.  I think that is a pretty good indication that she is ready!  When we got the package of training pants in the mail, I showed them to her and she was so excited!  She said, “I wear it, mommy!” and started trying to put one on immediately!

I'm glad that they have refastenable sides too, because I can definitely see her just ripping it of like she currently rips off her diaper, but I wouldn't want to waste them if she has kept them dry!

So that is how we do potty training around here!  You can use these tips to make the process work for your family – either jump in right away with trying out the underwear method or take a slower, more relaxed approach by letting your child try out the potty here and there over the course of several months or weeks until they really seem excited to jump in full force.  Make sure you have some training pants on hand for outings to save yourself the stress, and that's really all there is to it!

Don't overthink it, and most of all relax and have fun!

This has been a sponsored post written by me on behalf of CVS Training Pants. 

Surviving Life with Kids When Your Husband Isn’t Around

A few days ago, I sent an email asking moms how they survive the long days when their husband isn't around.

We had a weekend where daddy was away, and it was hard!  I was mentally high-fiving all the women who solo parent on a regular basis, whether it's because their husband is on deployment or because they're a single mom, or because their husband is away often for work.

I asked all of my readers who experience regular seasons of solo parenting for their best advice so I could share it with you!

In a nutshell, I took away 3 main pieces of advice:

1. Have a routine.

   “Making a schedule was the best thing I could do. Whether he is home or not, we stick to our schedule and that keeps our children less apt to act out because they know what to expect.”

   Almost everyone who wrote in said that their lifesaver was to have a routine that works for them.  Keeping a household routine ensures that everything runs as smoothly as possible, which is a must when daddy is not there to rescue you!

2. Break the routine.

   Huh?  I know, I know.  I just said that everyone was saying to stay on a routine.  But, for those mamas who are blessed to have husbands who rarely have to be gone, this one was the best solution.

   Because it is out of the norm for daddy to have to be away, staying on the regular routine is hard for kids.  Everyone gets a little grouchy because they're missing having dad around.  Putting their attention on something different and fun keeps their mind off the fact that dad is gone.  For instance, one reader said:

   “Sometimes he does have to work on the weekends, and sometimes he has long shifts and has a long commute. We try on those days to do things that we might not do when dad's around, such as play games (he doesn't really do boardgames and stuff), or we'll work on cleaning house or other projects to keep us busy, or maybe watch a movie to kill some time. I know he isn't gone long term, but these are things that we do. Also, one thing the kids love is to plan something special for when dad does get home, such as a special meal or other simple surprise.”

   I have found this one to be the case at our house.  Fun and different activities to keep everyone busy are the key!

3.  Make time for yourself.

   I was surprised at how often this answer came up, but it makes sense! Especially if you are solo parenting on a long term basis, it would be very easy to get worn down!  Making self-care a priority is a must if you want to keep your sanity.  (Here are 13 Free Ways to Take Care of You!)

   A couple different readers said that they sometimes put the kids to bed a little early and invite a friend or two over for some snacks and adult conversation. Great idea!

Any other ideas that you would add to this list?  Let's all pitch in to help struggling mamas not just survive, but to thrive in the hard days of solo parenting!

3 Mistakes Homeschooling Parents Make When Teaching Handwriting

Handwriting is an essential part of what our children need to learn.  They'll be writing every single day of their lives, and it's up to us to help them develop handwriting skills to make this essential life skill easier for them!

Many times I have seen homeschooled children struggle with handwriting.  I have seen a lot of homeschoolers with very messy handwriting.  There are plenty of children in “regular” schools with messy handwriting too, but here are some of the mistakes that seem to be specific to homeschooling families when it comes to teaching handwriting:

I have moved all of my homeschooling posts to christianhomeschoolfamily.com. You can go here to read this post at the new site.”

The Incredible Power of a Soft Answer

We were practicing our daily memory verse when things started to fall apart.  My son decided he wasn't interested in focusing on school work any more and I was trying to help him wake up his brain a little bit.

“Stand up straight and look at me,” I said quietly and gently.

“I am standing up straight!” he whined.  Small tears of frustration appeared at the corners of his eyes.

“No.  You're leaning on the wall.” I continued on softly.  “I need you to stand up all the way and look right at me — hey, where are you going now?”  I continued speaking softly and gently.

“I just want to sit down!  Why can't I just sit down?!”

Our discussion continued on this way for a few more minutes.  I gently explained what I needed from my son and why, as he bristled against being told what to do.

“Son, did you know that mommy doesn't tell you things just because I feel like bossing you around?  I know what it feels like to want to do exactly the opposite of what your mom tells you.  I felt exactly that way sometimes when I was a kid.  But can you trust that I'm telling you things for a specific reason and not just because I enjoy bossing you around?  If you won't make things into a big deal, I promise I won't make them into a big deal either.  Okay?”

A small smile began to form around the edges of his mouth.  His posture began to relax.  This time when I asked him to stand up straight and look at me, he did.

We finished the rest of school day without another problem.

Now, I'm not telling you this story to make myself sound like a perfect mother — because I'm not even close.  I mess up more times in a day than I'd like to admit.

But this was one of those, “Why don't I handle things like this more often?” moments.

See, here's the verse that came to my mind when the situation arose: “A soft answer turneth away wrath, but grievous words stir up anger.” (Proverbs 15:1)

My child was already bristling against what I was telling him to do.  Now, most times I would have bristled right back at him.  I would have gotten frustrated that he was turning a simple command into something far more than it needed to be, and I would have shown that frustration in my voice inflection and body language.   Even if I weren't actually speaking loudly in volume, my tone of voice and my stiffened posture would not be “a soft answer.”  And it would be the worst thing I could do in that situation because my lack of a soft answer would not help my child feel any more willing to do what he was told.  It would make him even more defensive than he already was.

I realized in that moment that too often I let my child dictate the terms of each confrontation that arises between us.  Just because he is being headstrong and childish does not mean that I need to respond with the same attitude.  Doing so will only turn into a clash of wills and an ordeal that really ought not be an ordeal at all.

Why should I let my child call the shots?  Why do I let his attitude determine what mine will be?

I realized the incredible power of a soft answer that day.

I also remembered another verse my husband and I had just discussed the night before:

“How forcible are right words! but what doth your arguing reprove?” (Job 6:25)

Job was responding to his friends' false accusations against him, and the point I gathered was basically this:

Right words spoken in the right way are extremely powerful.  But argumentative words, or even true words spoken in an argumentative way are not going to get you anywhere with the person to whom you are speaking.

I took away a pretty powerful lesson after our little incident:

I need to choose the right words and I need to speak them in the right way.

Doing this is going to have far more power than the most forcible words and tone of voice I can muster.

No more do I need to allow my children to dictate the tone of a confrontation.  It's really hard for them to bristle against someone who is speaking softly and gently.  If I'm feeling too riled up inside, I need to step away until I'm ready to continue the conversation with a soft answer.  If I let grievous words slip out of my mouth, the Bible says those words are going to stir up anger.

Provoking my child to wrath is something I know I shouldn't be doing as a parent, and I wouldn't purposely do it.  But it never occurred to me that something as simple as using an irritated tone of voice could be doing just that.

I'm excited to see how intentionally using a soft answer will change the way I deal with my children — and change the way they respond!

You may also like:

5 Reasons We’re Learning About Great Missionaries in our Homeschool

We have a two-fold goal in our homeschool:

First, to teach our children Godly character and second, to equip them with the academic skills they need for life.

Using studies of great missionaries is a great way to help meet both of those goals!

When we read missionary biographies and do more in-depth studies on those missionaries, there are 5 (at least) things that are happening with our children:

I have moved all of my homeschooling posts to christianhomeschoolfamily.com.

You can go here to read this post at the new site.