Because You are The Mom
Attachment parenting. Co-sleeping. Bottle feeding. Pacifiers. Cloth diapering. Feeding routines.
If we were to make a comparison chart of every mom reading this, the check marks would fall in completely different places for every single one of us.
One mom would have check marks beside bottle feeding, disposable diapers, and pacifiers. Another would have breastfeeding, babywearing, and cosleeping marked off. And others would have a seemingly contradictory mixture of it all. (Yeah, that would be me. I'm a breastfeeding, naturally minded mom, but carrying my baby all day and feeding on demand is just not what works for me.)
I think moms often feel guilty and condemned when their parenting style doesn't look like someone else's.
We feel like other people think they're a perfect mom and that we are some poor ignoramus who really doesn't have a clue.
And maybe some moms really think that.
But I've always been quick to give people the benefit of the doubt. It's just part of my personality to do that.
I think (and sincerely hope this is true) that a lot of moms come across as thinking they have all the answers not because they're trying to be a know it all, but because they care very much about helping other moms.
They've found something that works beautifully for their family and they want to share!
The tricky part is that it's sometimes hard to share in such a way that doesn't sound like you're telling other people what to do. Another mom REALLY wants people to just try this or that because she's SURE it will help them, but communicating strong emotions, especially through the internet can often backfire and turn into a perceived battleground.
In an age when we all do so much research online, trying to make an informed decision often feels like you've placed yourself into a mommy tug-of-war — and you are the rope!
“Cosleeping is best -and here's why.”
Oh no! My children might be damaged emotionally because they've been sleeping by themselves all this time!
“Why my children sleep in their own beds.”
Who does this author think she is? My kids can sleep in my bed if I want them to!
The more you read, the more negative emotions surface:
Guilt – because you're not doing it ” right “.
Anger – because how dare someone try to tell you how to parent your child.
Frustration – because you are looking for a solution to your parenting needs but all you can find are conflicting opinions.
Here's my encouragement to you:
You are not doing it wrong.
There is only one you – only one perfect mom for your children. There is no one in the world who knows them more intimately or loves them more strongly.
So keep on keeping on. And when strong opinions – well-intentioned or not – make you feel angry or guilty or frustrated, consider this:
Is what I'm doing working well for my family?
If it is, there's no harm in saying “Thanks for the info!” and then proceeding as usual. No need to stew and be angry at someone who was (hopefully) just trying to be helpful.
If what you're doing is NOT working, it's okay to say so. Just because someone who felt very strongly about baby feeding routines convinced you that is was the “right” way doesn't mean it is for YOU.
Or just because someone who felt strongly about cosleeping somehow made you feel guilty if you didn't do it too,that doesn't mean you have to persevere if you're getting zero sleep and resenting your child because of it.
You have the freedom to keep doing what works and the freedom to try something else if it doesn't.
Because YOU are the mom.
And you're the very best one in the world.
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