Domestic Violence Prevalence in the Church: Facts Every Christian Should Know

Imagine a woman who deeply loves Jesus and desires more than anything to be a godly wife. Her husband makes a grand appearance of being a godly man; however, behind closed doors he is domineering and does not display the loving attributes of patience, kindness, etc. He demands her to serve him yet never serves in return. He punishes any failure of his wife to bow to his whims by calling her nasty names, giving her the silent treatment, yelling, spitting, throwing things, or in some other way throwing a grown-up tantrum.

When this woman seeks help from her church she is given simplistic advice to just try not to provoke him, to be submissive in spite of his selfishness, and to pray more for him. These instructions fail to understand the gravity of what she is experiencing and are deeply harmful to her.

Perhaps this scenario may sound like a one-off unfortunate experience; however, this post illustrates just how often this type of advice is dispensed to women who are suffering behind closed doors.

Domestic violence prevalence in the church is far more extensive than many people realize, yet it is an overlooked subject that demands more of our understanding and attention if the body of Christ is to be a source of hope and comfort to those who are being oppressed.

Defining Domestic Violence

Domestic violence is a pattern of coercive control that one spouse experts over another. The abusive individual uses a variety of tactics to maintain their control over their other, including:

• Physical Abuse: Any form of physical harm inflicted on a partner, such as hitting, slapping, or choking.
• Emotional Abuse: Manipulative behaviors designed to control, belittle, or demean a partner, such as constant criticism, threats, or intimidation.
• Psychological Abuse: Tactics that undermine a partner’s sense of self and mental well-being, including gaslighting, coercion, and isolation.
• Sexual Abuse: Any non-consensual sexual activity or coercion, including marital rape and forced sexual acts.
• Financial Abuse: Controlling or restricting access to financial resources, preventing a partner from earning or managing money.
• Spiritual Abuse: Using religious beliefs or practices to manipulate, control, or demean the other, often undermining their faith and autonomy for personal gain or dominance.

It is imperative to understand domestic violence as a pattern of control, which uses these various tactics (source: U.S. Dept. of Justice). Many people mistakenly assume that domestic violence is about a spouse with uncontrolled anger who perpetrates physical violence toward their partner. Although anger and physical violence may be part of the picture; domestic violence can occur without any hitting ever taking place. Wherever power and control are being exerted, by whatever means the abuser finds effective, there is domestic violence occuring. I personally prefer to use the term domestic abuse, or even better, coercive control.

Domestic Violence Prevalence in the Church

Statistics

Domestic abuse is not confined to any particular demographic or faith group. Statistics reveal that domestic violence prevalence in the church occurs at roughly the same rates as outside the church. For example:

• A survey conducted by Called to Peace Ministries found that 85% of the Christian women who had experienced abuse were married to men who claimed to be Christians. 30% of those men served in a ministry (source).
• A telephone survey of Christian women from a spectrum of liberal to conservative denominations revealed that up to 50% of Christian women have experienced intimate partner violence (source.)
• The Institute for Family Studies found that the rates of domestic violence across the globe are relatively similar regardless of the couple's religious affiliation (source).
• The personal experience of advocates within Christian communities reveals that domestic violence prevalence in the church is an epidemic.
  

Misconceptions about Domestic Violence in the Church

In spite of the troubling rate of domestic violence prevalence in the church, misconceptions about abuse prevent victims from receiving the hope and help they so desperately need.

Misconception 1: “Domestic violence only happens in non-Christian families.”

As demonstrated above, this belief is simply a myth. The first step toward being equipped to offer compassionate care to victims is believing that domestic violence occurs not just in the church, but that it occurs in your church.

Misconception 2: “If there were abuse occurring in my church I would know it.”

Abusers, especially those who call themselves Christians, are adept at living a lie. In public they appear devout and committed to their faith and only engage in abusive behaviors privately.

Misconception 3: “If someone in my church is suffering abuse, I am sure the church leaders would address it.”

Although I certainly hope your church leaders have a heart of compassion toward those who are suffering, the church often does more harm than good in such a situation when there is a lack of education about the dynamics of abuse.

One common mistake when church leaders attempt to address abuse within a marriage is to recommend marriage counseling, hoping that the couple will be able to resolve their marriage issues.

The problem with this approach is that abuse is not a marriage problem. It is one person powering over the other. A victim will be pressured to take responsibility for her part in the breakdown of the marriage, and the goal of counseling will be to repair the relationship. However, what an abuse victim needs is not an intact relationship; what she actually needs is safety from the abuser.

Another common mistake when church leaders attempt to address abuse is misusing common theological concepts having to do with repentance and forgiveness. They believe that when the abuser says “I'm sorry; I won't do it again,” that it's then incumbent on the victim to say, “I forgive you; let's pretend it never happened.” However, without demonstrating changed behavior over time, words of repentance are exactly that – words. The victim is not automatically safe to resume relationship just because the abuser said some nice words. To pressure her to do so places her in potential danger, but if she refuses to resume the relationship, she faces the spiritual guilt that has been placed upon her.

For many more examples of the devastation that can result from misunderstandings of theological concepts, read this post.

How Churches Can Address Domestic Violence in their Midst

There are many ways the church can be a safe and supportive place for those who are experiencing the oppression of domestic violence.

Education

Much harm has been done to victims of abuse by people who are well-meaning, simply because a lack of education led to the inability to recognize and respond to abuse well. If the church is to be a safe place for the oppressed, it is crucial for church leaders and members to be educated about domestic violence.

Speak about abuse from the pulpit

Many victims within the church do not even recognize their own experience as abuse. Especially in environments where women are taught they are always to submit, that the husband is the head of the home, that they are never to speak badly about him and always assume the best, their abusers are able to use these concepts to maintain domination over them. The victim believes she is doing God's will by submitting to the domination and never questioning her husband's behaviors. Describing abusive control and naming it as such will help victims to understand that it is not okay for them to be treated that way. Silence, however, keeps the abuser comfortable and confident he will never be called out.

Support Systems

Access to professional counseling from someone who has proper training in domestic abuse issues will give victims the opportunity to decipher what is happening to them and to make wise decisions about how to move forward in a God-honoring yet safe way. What a balm to a weary soul if a church had someone on staff (again, an individual trained in domestic violence, not just someone trained to recite Bible verses about forgiveness) or could provide financial assistance for victims to receive such counseling.

Additional ways that a church can support victims are facilitating support groups, facilitating educational seminars on domestic violence, and providing financially for emergencies and ongoing needs a victim has.

Policy Implementation

Churches need to implement and enforce policies that protect victims and hold abusers accountable. These policies should include clear procedures for reporting abuse, providing support, and ensuring the safety of all individuals involved.

Final Thoughts

Scripture provides guidance on protecting the vulnerable. Proverbs 31:8-9, calls for speaking up for those who cannot speak for themselves, and Micah 6:8, emphasizes God's heart to do justice and love mercy. I believe that one aspect of that is for the church to care for those who have been oppressed by domestic violence.